Every night, before my daughter goes to sleep, I ask her two questions. First, what is your favorite part of the day? Second, what are you thankful for? At the beginning, she would always answer the latter with “hugs” and “kisses.” It made me smile–how simple it is to make kids happy.

Whatever the answer is that day, I know she is being genuine. Her face lights up with that priceless smile of hers. She gets excited! She is honest and does not tell me what she thinks I want to hear.

The Imposter!

There are countless quotes about the virtues of gratitude. Sages near and far has espoused the great benefits of gratitude. Who am I to question them? I started counting my blessings, alongside my daughter and listed all the things I know I “should” appreciate.

Throughout this process of constantly counting my blessings, I could not find the bliss, the contentment, I was seeking. I could not even find peace. Trying so hard to feel blessed and be grateful, I did not feel fulfilled. I felt exhausted!

Throwing my hands up, I asked, “What am I doing wrong?” NO answer. Soon after, my sister called to vent about her own pursuit of happiness. She wonders what she is doing wrong. She is kind and giving and all her intentions are in the right place. In my attempt to help her find solutions, I realized that our conversation was very applicable to my own life. Maybe I should be the one taking notes.

The first thing I realized was that I was an imposter. I thought I could fake it ’til I made it. If I were to go through the motions, it would eventually make me happy. Far from it, now I have another something on my list that I am not good at–something else to make me feel like a failure.

Being Selfish!

My gratitude list was full of items I “should” be grateful for, and I was grateful for these items. However, there was something lacking, the absence of which left me discontent and unable to genuinely feel the happiness.

In the constant struggle to get through the never-ending list of things to do, I was prioritizing others and what they wanted from me. This was my life, and I was living it for others. I was constantly putting my needs and wants on hold, and it was burning me out. I felt numb and my body could no longer process any new emotions–gratitude being one of them. My motions became robotic and automatic. The one person I was not taking care of was me. My well was running dry.

I could see the consequences from the lack of self-care in my sister clearly. It was keeping her from feeling joy from the gifts that surrounded her. In response, I told her to be selfish! I was not speaking of a 24/7 self-indulging marathon. I was speaking of allowing herself something that makes her feel genuinely grateful and belongs solely to her for the purpose of serving her.

The idea that I believe self-care is selfish is part of the problem. I am conditioned to put the needs of others first and somewhere I picked up the notion that taking care of myself is selfish. Self-care for the preservation of being able to continue to function and to give of yourself is not selfish!

My sister and I, at first, could not think of what we could do. We needed downtime to recuperate. We wanted a time to put the world on hold, to sit with our legs up enjoying a warm beverage and to just breathe. Time to ourselves would allow us to reset and take care of our mental, physical, and emotional selves. This stable ground allows me to fully feel experience and appreciate my life. It gives me a balanced perspective.

I am grateful for my health that allows me to enjoy the good things in life.

Being Human!

There is a part of me that feels like we misunderstand the whole idea of being happy. Can we really go through life with a permanent smile on our face like the Joker or someone on serious narcotics? Can you appreciate happiness if you do not understand the opposite? How does one know they have something good unless they do understand what is not good?

Maybe feeling “all” human emotions comes with the territory of being human. Maybe your emotions, even the negatives ones, are there to guide you and motivate you to change your life for the better.

Instead of correcting emotions, maybe I should listen to them instead. What would make me happy? More grateful? Then when I change those things, I will have more reasons to be genuinely grateful.

In my previous occupation, every morning, I would dread going to work. I did not feel like I was treated well, and when I expressed it, I was told it was me–I was emotional. Somewhere along the line, I bought into it and thought I had to change the negative feelings and feel something else–gratitude for this job that made me feel bad about myself. In retrospect, I stayed there too long, because I denied my feelings. It affected my confidence in myself and my happiness.

Sometimes it is not the situation. As human beings, we do not always feel 100%. Maybe like the Grumpy Monkey, we need to accept days that we just won’t feel our best.

Sometimes, my daughter wakes up on the wrong side of bed. I tell her there will be days like this, and on these days, I help her take care of herself better. We read the Blue Book. Why can’t I do that for myself–allow myself to be human. The humbleness of days like these ground us and open us up to deeper appreciation for the good.

I am grateful for my human emotions that lead me to a better direction in my life and to greater happiness.

Being Yourself!

At the end of our conversation, I realized even in the pursuit of happiness, I was letting others dictate what I should do and how to do it.

“Be happy! Be grateful! You aren’t? What’s wrong with you? We are all grateful! We are all happy! We are all perfect,” like zombies, I can hear them now.

This was another way I was letting the world determine what “I” should be. The only thing “I” should be is myself. I do not have to adhere to anyone’s philosophy of life–sage or not. It is disingenuous to “have” to “be” anything. This realization makes me feel lighter – like a load is being lifted off me. I feel happier not having to be anything…happy…grateful.. I just had to be genuine in the moment–true to my inner voice like children. The realization frees me. For me, happiness comes when I let go. I am thankful for that.

I am grateful for letting go and making my own rules in life.